HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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