he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
