I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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