I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize