I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
