So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
