he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
