i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Never underestimate the power of titties
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
