Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
