Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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