i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
