im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
