You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
