Soap is not a condiment
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
