had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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