Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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