Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
