You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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