if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
