Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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