the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
