My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
