conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
