i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
