"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
