I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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