Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
