the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
