About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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