haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When are your genitals available?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
