There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
