One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
