I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
