I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I want her autograph on my taint
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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