I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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