Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize