I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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