Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
