I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
