I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
