The maid of honor just puked.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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