His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
