I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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