i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
