They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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