you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
