Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
