dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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