I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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