I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
