Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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