she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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