What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you traded sex for a burrito?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
