I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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