Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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